Monday, September 2, 2013

This is kind of might want to get a divers certification before going in.

Wow it's been a while since I posted last. And I promised you I would post often. Man I suck. Typical Gemini, so many interests, so little time.

WARNING: This post has been a long time coming. It's about self realization and coming to terms with being a mom. It also reflects some of my so called "radical" views on holistic child rearing so if your rolling your eyes my guest and take a hike. 
No harm, No foul. :)
My girl is two. 2, two, matter how you say it, it just floats over my head just as fast as the years did seem to have flown. I look at my sweet little girl and I really do wonder where the time has gone. Upon my reflection I see two years of laughter and enjoyment, I see two years of memories and appreciation for a life I never knew could be. But most of all I see two years of complete transformation and growth for myself as an individual and a mother.
"Before children." Its a sentence in itself, a chapter, a movement, a complete and utter difference from life, "After Children." To compare the two would be absurd, yet as mothers, we do it all the time in order to self pity ourselves about the lives we "used" to have.
"Life After Children" should be printed on the back of condom boxes with some or all of the following statements and run on sentences; Its such a shock to the system, a shift in routine, a change in freedom, a wake up call, an alteration, a detour and often a departure from an old place to a new.
There are different ways one could read into those descriptions. These days with lack of sleep, 2 year old tantrums and a shortage of stay at home mommy money and personal space I tend to paint them in a negative light when I speak to my friends but the reality is...I am thankful. I am thankful for my Lilly. I am thankful for the departure from my old life into my beautiful new one.
I am indebted to her, my love, for opening my eyes, for inspiring me to be better, to live better, to live healthier and to be the best person I can be and to teach others how to be as well. I am now an eternal teacher and I have no plans to shut my mouth.
These mornings where I wake up with bloodshot red eyes and sore nipples (from nursing of course) have taught me perspective. You see, some moms don't have the chance to experience the beauty of nursing a baby or (gasp!) a toddler, nor do they know the closeness that comes with it, the connection. Its a feeling that doesn't always have words for explanation. 
I am lucky.
The days (which are many) where I complain that I have not one hot ass minute to myself have taught me gratitude. This gratitude is for the few short months that I had to enjoy her as a bouncing baby or next few very short years that I have to savor her as a willful toddler, to experience her amazing developing personality, to be in awe at her abilities and to be the teacher that guides her into a happy, healthy life.
The times when she hits me or tells me "No Mommy" are the times where I still struggle. I struggle to control my anger, my frustration and my short Gemini temper. I must take a step back and see that these times, these tough times; are the teachings of patience, not to mention a bit of a brush up on my communication skills. As long as I don't start shouting "NO!" to adult friends, I'll be alright.
Most recently I've discovered, to my own surprise, that I am not the perfect mother (what the what?) I make mistakes daily. I've smacked my darling on the bum during misbehavior and then have cried with guilt. I have yelled at her and then apologized. I have told her not to "be bratty" only to realize I was the one being the brat. Self reflection is never easy.
"After Children" is here, its real. I'm living it, I'm learning it and I'm embracing it with everything I have. I'm not perfect, I'm not a "know it all" and I am not always right. I am an eternal student and an eternal teacher.
One thing has become very apparent over the last few weeks: I chose this path with uncertainty yes, but I am freaking owning it!
I'm not just a mom, I'm Lilly's mom. That title is reserved for me and I'm damn proud.

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