Friday, September 6, 2013

I want to drool too...

When Darren gets home at night from work he showers and then lays down in bed.  It takes him a whole 3 minutes to pass out asleep.  What the frick is he doing right?!  Why are men able to just sit down and detach within minutes?!  Most nights it takes my brain 45+ minutes to circulate my thoughts and fall asleep.

Here is a typical nightly thought cycle for me once my head hits the pillow:

Did you remember to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer?  You didn't?  Oh S*HT...everything is going to smell.  Did you remember to feed the cats?  They will be pushing those damn bell balls all over the house all night if you didn't feed them.  Who's idea was to take out the carpet, the wood floors are sooo flippin loud!  Maybe you should get up and check.  While your up why don't you put away Lilly's toys she left out.  Wait, you should try to sleep. Nah, get up.  CRAP we're still out of Greek yogurt, Lilly asked for yogurt for breakfast.  Don't forget to go to Trader Joe's tomorrow.  I should really re-paint this room, I bought the paint and it's just sitting in the dining room, CRAP I have to pee now, if I would have fallen asleep 10 minutes ago I wouldn't have the urge to pee, why did I drink all that water?  Darn it self be quiet and go to sleep.

Closes eyes and tries to clear mind...

Jingle jingle...damn it the cats, I have to get up.  Maybe I'll do the dishes in the sink before bed so I don't have to do it in the morning.  Dang now I'm thirsty.  You know, you should really paint this room.

Get it?

Mind you, this thought process isn't limited to bed time.  I literally wake up at two and three am and do the same thing.  I wonder what type of things Darren's brain thinks about before bed.  Why doesn't he think about the laundry or washing his car or the cable bill?  Why does he get to sleep?!  I hate it and I'm jealous.  Very Jealous.  Sometimes I stare at him and envision myself jumping on the bed to wake him up but I cant because he's so cute!

(Disclaimer: photo above is not Darren)

Try meditation, you say.  Look, meditation doesn't work for me smarty.  I've tried it.  I just end up thinking about the same crap and then some hair crawls up my back and I have an itch.  Then I start envision creepy night bugs crawling on me and I'm itchy all over.  Then back to "I need to clean out my car tomorrow" or "I wonder if there really are aliens." 

How about calming techniques? Nope. When I finally imagine my body feeling heavy and relaxed that's usually about the time Lilly kicks me in the boob with her left foot during one of her night time acrobatic routines. Lets face it, I'm cursed.

All of us women are cursed and if you're a mom, your double cursed. Sorry ladies...

Monday, September 2, 2013

This is kind of might want to get a divers certification before going in.

Wow it's been a while since I posted last. And I promised you I would post often. Man I suck. Typical Gemini, so many interests, so little time.

WARNING: This post has been a long time coming. It's about self realization and coming to terms with being a mom. It also reflects some of my so called "radical" views on holistic child rearing so if your rolling your eyes my guest and take a hike. 
No harm, No foul. :)
My girl is two. 2, two, matter how you say it, it just floats over my head just as fast as the years did seem to have flown. I look at my sweet little girl and I really do wonder where the time has gone. Upon my reflection I see two years of laughter and enjoyment, I see two years of memories and appreciation for a life I never knew could be. But most of all I see two years of complete transformation and growth for myself as an individual and a mother.
"Before children." Its a sentence in itself, a chapter, a movement, a complete and utter difference from life, "After Children." To compare the two would be absurd, yet as mothers, we do it all the time in order to self pity ourselves about the lives we "used" to have.
"Life After Children" should be printed on the back of condom boxes with some or all of the following statements and run on sentences; Its such a shock to the system, a shift in routine, a change in freedom, a wake up call, an alteration, a detour and often a departure from an old place to a new.
There are different ways one could read into those descriptions. These days with lack of sleep, 2 year old tantrums and a shortage of stay at home mommy money and personal space I tend to paint them in a negative light when I speak to my friends but the reality is...I am thankful. I am thankful for my Lilly. I am thankful for the departure from my old life into my beautiful new one.
I am indebted to her, my love, for opening my eyes, for inspiring me to be better, to live better, to live healthier and to be the best person I can be and to teach others how to be as well. I am now an eternal teacher and I have no plans to shut my mouth.
These mornings where I wake up with bloodshot red eyes and sore nipples (from nursing of course) have taught me perspective. You see, some moms don't have the chance to experience the beauty of nursing a baby or (gasp!) a toddler, nor do they know the closeness that comes with it, the connection. Its a feeling that doesn't always have words for explanation. 
I am lucky.
The days (which are many) where I complain that I have not one hot ass minute to myself have taught me gratitude. This gratitude is for the few short months that I had to enjoy her as a bouncing baby or next few very short years that I have to savor her as a willful toddler, to experience her amazing developing personality, to be in awe at her abilities and to be the teacher that guides her into a happy, healthy life.
The times when she hits me or tells me "No Mommy" are the times where I still struggle. I struggle to control my anger, my frustration and my short Gemini temper. I must take a step back and see that these times, these tough times; are the teachings of patience, not to mention a bit of a brush up on my communication skills. As long as I don't start shouting "NO!" to adult friends, I'll be alright.
Most recently I've discovered, to my own surprise, that I am not the perfect mother (what the what?) I make mistakes daily. I've smacked my darling on the bum during misbehavior and then have cried with guilt. I have yelled at her and then apologized. I have told her not to "be bratty" only to realize I was the one being the brat. Self reflection is never easy.
"After Children" is here, its real. I'm living it, I'm learning it and I'm embracing it with everything I have. I'm not perfect, I'm not a "know it all" and I am not always right. I am an eternal student and an eternal teacher.
One thing has become very apparent over the last few weeks: I chose this path with uncertainty yes, but I am freaking owning it!
I'm not just a mom, I'm Lilly's mom. That title is reserved for me and I'm damn proud.